Suspicious Mother « Result #1 on Mar 12, 2009, 3:49am »
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was.
Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure". So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mom: I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner. Love, Brian".
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
"Dear Son: I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie; I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if Stephanie is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."
My cooking has always been the target of family jokes. One evening, as I prepared dinner a bit too quickly, the kitchen filled with smoke and the smoke detector went off. Although both of my children had received fire-safety training at school, they did not respond to the alarm. Annoyed, I stormed through the house in search of them.
¡¡¡¡I found them in the bathroom, washing their hands. Over the loud buzzing of the smoke alarm, I asked them to identify the sound.
¡¡¡¡"It's the smoke detector," they replied in unison.
¡¡¡¡"Do you know what that sound means?" I demanded.
Class Reunion « Result #3 on Feb 24, 2009, 3:49am »
I was minding my own business a few weeks ago when I got ¡°the call¡± -- that dreaded, shrill ringing of my telephone bearing news just short of a death in the family. It was a former high school classmate asking I disagreeistance in our 20-year class reunion.
Could it be 20 years already? I shuddered. Cold chills went up and down my spine as tiny beads of sweat popped out on my forehead. What had I done with my life the past 20 years? My mother told me I¡¯d have to deal with this some day,wow power leveling but I had laughed it off, just like I laughed off those embarrassing pink plastic curlers she used to wear in her hair. (I picked up a set at a garage sale just last week. Got a great deal on them, too!)
It¡¯s amazing how a brief phone call can totally turn one¡¯s life upside down. Suddenly, I began hearing those 1970s songs (now known as ¡°oldies¡±) in a different arrangement, realizing that Mick Jagger was over 50, ¡°Smoke on the Water¡± never did make any sense at all, and my ¡°Seasons in the Sun¡± had literally faded into oblivion. Had the sun set on me already?
I glanced in the mirror.wow power leveling (Okay, I stared in the d**ned mirror.) I examined every tiny little crevice and pore, starting with my hairline, down past those patronizing ¡°smile lines¡± to the base of my neck. No double chin yet, I thought.
The next few weeks were pure hell. Each day began with a grueling training program -- a 6:30 a.m. run in a futile attempt to bounce off that unsightly baggage that had somehow accumulated on my thighs overnight. I went shopping for the perfect dress -- you know, the one that would make me look 20 years younger. I found out that they stopped selling them around 1975. Three dresses later, I came to my senses.wow power leveling There was only one logical explanation: I was having a mid-life crisis.
I realized that the funny, crunching noise I heard each night as I climbed the stairs was really my knees. I had seriously considered adding potty training to my resume as one of my greatest accomplishments. Bran flakes had become a part of my daily routine -- and not because they were my favorite cereal.wow gold I held Tupperware parties just so I could count how many friends I had.
Life just hadn¡¯t turned out the way I¡¯d planned. Sure, I was happy. I had a wonderful husband and two great kids in the center of my life. But somehow, working part-time as a secretary and mom hardly fit my definition of someone my classmates had voted as wow gold¡°most likely to succeed.¡± Had I really wasted 20 years?
Just about the time I was ready to throw in the towel and my invitation, my seven-year old tapped me on the shoulder. ¡°I love you, Mom. Give me a kiss.¡±
You know, wow gold I¡¯m actually looking forward to the next 20 years.
Joined: Mar 2004 Gender: Male Posts: 33 Location: Burlington IA
Timber Rattler « Result #7 on May 7, 2004, 1:05am »
This is one of Iowas largest venomous snakes, measuring out 36"-60" with the record at 74 1/4". They also share the "heart shaped" head. They range in color from yellow to brown, with or without rusty orange strip going down the center of its back. There are thin black bands or chevrons that run across the back the entire length of the snake. They are found most commonly near the Mississippi river and various areas in the southern third of the state. They prefer to live in steep bluffs with rocky outcroppings. They favor the south and southwest sides of the bluffs and spend a majority of their time in sunny open areas surrounded by forest. They are also a passive snake, usually sitting still hoping you do not see them or will try to slither away without rattling. When rattlesnakes do rattle, they elevate the rattle and black tail high in the air making the rattle extremely obvious. Non venomous snakes which vibrate their tails and produce a similar sound, will hold their tails close to the ground. One common myth is that you can tell how old a rattler is by how many rattles it has in its tail. The truth of the matter is, you will only be able to tell how many times that snake has shed, and it is not uncommon for them to break off, and new ones produce during the shedding phase.
They usually breed in the spring or fall and are sexually mature in 7-12 years. Females only breed every 2-4 years, they give live birth to about a half dozen of 10-13 inch young. The young often stay with the mother until their first shedding.
Timber rattlesnakes feed on small mammals. Mice, chipmunks, ground squirrels, voles, shrews, and squirrels are the majority of its diet. Birds and birds eggs (primarily ground nester's) are consumed at times as well.
The last fatality from a timber rattlesnakes bite in Iowa was in the 1800's.
Joined: Mar 2004 Gender: Male Posts: 33 Location: Burlington IA
Massasaugas « Result #9 on May 7, 2004, 1:04am »
Massasaugasare rare find in Iowa. Statistics show there are fewer then 1 Dozen in Iowa, scattered from the Eastern, SE, and SW Iowa. They are venomous, so best let this one be and don't let his size fool you. He packs one heck of a bite to humans as well.
Massasaugas prefer swampy areas close to marshes, lakes, and rivers. As a general rule, they are not real aggressive, but can and will bite when provoked. References state that Massasaugas are slow moving snakes. They are anywhere from 17-39.5 inches long. They have a row of dark brown or black blotches on a lighter brown or gray background. They are mainly active during daylight hours, except in the extreme heat of the day.
They breed twice a year, once in the spring, and again in the fall, and only breed every other year. They are sexually mature at the age of 3 or 4. They do not lay eggs, but rather give birth to 5-24 5"-7" babies. They do not hibernate with other snakes, but rather alone in crayfish burrows, crevices or piles of rocks close to water.
Food:
They generally eat small mammals, but will eat frogs, toads, other snakes, and small birds. When they bite a mouse, they will wait for the mouse to die, and then seek it out to eat it. When birds and lizards are to be consumed, they are held in the snake's jaws until the venom takes effect.
They resemble a fox or water snake, which are non-venomous. Both are described in the post.
Joined: Mar 2004 Gender: Male Posts: 33 Location: Burlington IA
Copperhead « Result #10 on May 7, 2004, 1:02am »
We here in Iowa are at the northern most tip of the cooperhead. They are only known in a few smal places in SE Iowa, but are more common in the extreme southwestern part of Iowa. This is another venomous snake that should be left alone or have a pro take care of it. They range in size from 24-36 inches long. They have a "heart shapped"head like that of most venomous snakes. They are usually some shade of orange. They have cross bands on thee back that resembles an hour glass and may be drak orange or rusty brown with darker edges. The overall color is what gives it its name, is copper.
They are generaly found in rocky, wooded river or stream valleys, and do not venture far. They can breed anytime while they are active generally in the fall. They also give live birth, usually after 105-110 days of gestation. They give birth to only 4-6 young. During the summer, they are primarely active during nightime hours, but in the spring and fall, they are active during the day. Copperheads are generaly passive snakes, and will strike when provoked or stepped on. Even though a copperhead can deliver a dagerous bite, there has never been a death caused by one in the state of Iowa.
Food: Copperheads feed on samll mammals, frogs, lizards, small snakes, some insects and birds. The young use there tails to draw in frogs and lizards by wriggling their yellow tails.
![[Home]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/menu/home.gif)
![[Help]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/menu/help.gif)
![[Search]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/menu/search.gif)
![[Login]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/menu/login.gif)
![[Register]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/menu/register.gif)
![[Search This Thread]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/search2.gif)
![[Reply]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/buttons/reply.gif)
![[Send Topic To Friend]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/buttons/sendtopic.gif)
![[Print]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/buttons/print.gif)
Author
![[Quote]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/buttons/quote.gif)
Logged
Author
![[image]](http://www.imagestation.com/picture/sraid116/pb522f2e920021f1671a3084ff6be47db/f8af18ef.jpg)
![[image]](http://www.cortland.edu/herp/keys/images/snakes/chorridu.jpg)
![[image]](http://www.cortland.edu/herp/keys/images/snakes/acontolg.jpg)